Can I just say it is very difficult to watch people coupled up and not want to be with someone, especially at this time of year? The ugly struggle I’m having with feelings of discontent and disappointment in my singleness has made me painfully aware that my heart is hardened towards God. I’ve lost my love and passion for Him.
There is this battle I face regularly to not buy into the lies that I am unworthy to have that special someone.
My body is flawed and imperfect so who would be attracted to that?
I struggle in relationships. I have baggage. Who would want me?
No one’s showing interest because you don’t have what it takes.
And sometimes the truth hits me dead on:
If you can’t accept yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to want and accept you?
Or how about this one:
When you let go and stop thinking about it, that’s when it’s going to happen.
I have often felt passed over by God when He was handing out the gift of having a spouse. Watching others step into marriage while I’m still alone can drive me to this place where I question is this something He truly wants for me? How long do I have to wait for Your best, Lord? As I grow in my relationship with God I recognize there is no good thing that I can do to make this happen any sooner, but honestly the wait is just getting harder as the longing in my heart grows.
The words from this song by Royal Tailor keep running through my head as if God is singing them to me:
But I’m gonna make you stronger
Hold on just a little bit longer cause I’ll be there
So I found myself complaining about the status of being single a few nights ago and I had this picture of me standing in the midst of twelve brides in a beautiful ball room. There was anticipation at the thought of meeting the one that had been selected for each of us, God’s very best candidate. Then twelve bride grooms suddenly appeared and Jesus began bringing each one to the beautiful bride He had in mind. The joyful anticipation of meeting the one He had selected for each of us was growing in our hearts. I looked on expectantly curious to know who was meant for me, but the Lord passed me over yet again.
He finally brought the last bride groom to meet his bride and in despair I cried out “Where is mine? Is there no one for me? Am I not worthy to receive my bride groom also?”
He responded “I saved you for Myself. I want you, all of you for Me alone.”
In that moment I so was ashamed of my heart, embarrassed I’ll admit, because I’ve been trying to gratify my soul with what I think I need rather than look to God for comfort and satisfaction. I didn’t want Him because I saw what others had and wanted that more. I had believed the lies that He wasn’t enough for me, that He couldn’t truly be my everything.
But my heart does cry out for Him to satisfy me only because I know that nothing else will. His love is the only one that is truly patient and enduring, accepting of me and all my failings, all of my baggage. And it will not change. Not ever.
Oh precious Savior, forgive me for denying Your love, for not trusting and believing that You are enough for me. Forgive me for chasing after things that continue to leave me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I know in my head that You are all I need, but my heart still doesn’t get it. Heal those deep wounds so that I can receive all You want me to have. Help me Lord to trust and believe that You have good things in store for me. Always.