The Space

Tonight you were distant.
I’m not sure why.
Was it something I said?
Was it something I did…
…or didn’t do?

I could feel the space between us.
It was wide and incredibly deep.
How do I tell you that it grieved me so much?
Something was wrong,
yet I struggled to find the words.

I’m searching for the bridge
to meet you again
like so many times before.
It has dissolved into the thick fog
and I cannot make my way

to tell you

that I miss you,
I need you.
Perhaps I have not said it enough,
you are a treasure to me,
a precious gift
I was blessed to receive
at just the right time.

I pray I will find the courage
in due time to share my heart
so that the God we both love
will connect our hearts once again
my dear friend.

God Works ALL Things For My Good

Today has been challenging at times, but I chose to allow God to lead me where He wanted to go, at least for the most part. Sometimes it didn’t go well because I was afraid to trust Him.

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There were other moments when I realized that going my own way was not working. As I followed His gentle reminders to step back and allow Him to work, doors opened that may have remained shut because I chose to wait on Him to move. There wasn’t anything I could do. It would only happen because He was the One who could make it happen. And the best part was I got to experience His faithfulness in the moment, right before my eyes.

I was the only one who could make band rehearsal this afternoon and frustrated because of how it came to be. I chose to make the most of the time I had, not only to practice, but to be present in His presence, giving Him all my passion and love. As I sang, as I played before my beautiful King, those frustrations seemed to just melt away. A spontaneous thought came to me to go visit another congregation of believers near and dear to me since I could end the rehearsal earlier now. It was then that I knew these last minute changes were not meant to frustrate me. They turned out to be an incredible gift from my King. He knew that I needed to go and receive an incredible word and oh how I was blessed! I went not knowing just how much I was in need of hearing Him say “give to Me all of you, every part; pursue Me in this life; receive whatever I want to give you.”

All day He was reminding me of Who He wants to be for me. He was challenging me to believe, to trust that He is greater, that He IS more than I could ever need in this life.

He said:

Am I not powerful enough to cover and protect you wherever you go?
There is no one greater than Me and because I am in you, I go before you, beside you, behind you. I am right here, next to you, walking with you, holding you up. You are My precious child and I am your Safe Refuge, your Hiding Place.

Will I not fulfill My promises to you?
They may not look like what you expect, but they are exactly what I want to give you when the time is right, when My time is best for you.

Am I not able to provide what you need in each and every situation?
I will supply everything you require. I AM all that you need. Don’t you forget it, ever!

Am I not able to move the hearts of those you are concerned about?
I AM. Watch, wait for Me to move at just the right time. Don’t doubt that I am working ALL these things for your good AND for theirs. I am Omniscient. I know when they will be ready to receive My love, My grace, My direction for their lives. So stay right where you are and let Me work because I AM the One who can work it out in the very best way. Nothing is impossible for Me. Trust Me, even when it seems that things are falling apart around you. Remember, I AM always here with you and never leave you. No, not ever.

He is. He is I AM. YAHWEH. He is powerful. He is faithful to do what He says He will do. He is more than able, able to move mountains for me, able to take out the giants who taunt me and try to defeat me with their destructive words. He provides, Jehovah Jireh. He is mighty to do ALL that He wants. There is NOTHING, No Thing that He cannot do. He is working it out, ALL things for me, to be able to receive His best and He knows just what I need in this moment, at this time in my life.

What a glorious thought that You, dearest Savior, would tend to my concerns and care for the burdens on my heart. They are important to You just like my feelings and frustrations are known by You because I am made in Your image, in Your likeness. So You feel what I feel and You care about those things that are important to me. Who is like You, oh Lord? No one in all the world. Thank You for Your love towards me. I am in awe of how You care for this dear one. Gracias mío Dios.

Making the Change

Change can be difficult for anyone, depending on what it is. For me it has become a revolving door over the past decade, so much so that it seems like it’s just part of life for this girl. One of my worship mentors always said “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall be stretched” and oh, how I feel that quite often. In my job, in ministry, in relationships, in my life overall.

When my mom died a few years ago, I knew that my health had to change. I’m sure a number of people have heard me say this again and again, but I don’t want to end up where she was: depressed, lonely, discontent with people and life, and full of stress and emotional baggage that finally took its toll on her body because she internalized things so much.

She died at the age of 65; her mom, around the age of 70. I don’t want it to be me at 60 or before I have lived and done all that God has planned for me (unless of course, He returns to take us home, then I will relent and go gladly through those pearly gates).

So I am starting to recognize just how much my hard work is paying off. I can see the results more now than ever before and at times it astounds me. For example, I tried on a dress this week that I’ve wanted to wear from the moment I laid eyes on it, but it had been too small. Now I can fit into it almost comfortably, just gotta work on toning up my arms. But I cried when I looked at myself in the mirror because I had not believed that I would get here anytime soon.

I also recently discovered that over the past four years I have dropped an average of fifteen pounds per year, or sixty pounds altogether. I had not really realized that because I’ve been focusing more on my stuckness (is that even a word?) with a closet full of fun and stylish clothes waiting for me to show them off. Can you tell I’m hard on myself? This is significant! I need to celebrate this, right?

I find myself seriously NOT wanting to use food in unhealthy ways like I have before, to fill those potholes in my heart where pain and sorrow have appeared. Now I am thinking more about how to use food, the very best foods that leave me feeling good, feeling healthy and full of energy. I don’t want to bring home the snacks and junk food much these days, even if it is a healthier choice, because I know that my tendency is to sit in front of the TV and eat it all.

Or instead of binging because I’m super emo, I meet with a wonderful counselor, find time to release the stress in cycle class or on a walk with a friend. I make myself journal and write the truth about how God sees me, then speak it out loud so that I hear it and get it into my head and my heart. Some days out of desperation I will even crawl up to the piano to spend time singing out my love songs to Jesus (actually I do this a lot because it fills me up, but I don’t always go there first).

Do I always make the best choice? No, but the “want to” is growing stronger day by day. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time people. And now that its here, I think I’m becoming inspired to cook more and spend time in the kitchen again. I may have a different perspective once school starts due to time constraints, but I’m eager to try out new recipes and see how they work for me.

For the past three days I have been eating a “high raw” diet, trying out new recipes and seeing a positive change in my body. Even though I still want my Starbucks White Mocha Americano with half and half, I know that eating clean and raw is one of the best things I can do for myself and the people God has put in my path. I’m believing that these changes are becoming permanent for me, as a way of living healthy. In all that I do, I want to honor God with what He has given me so that He is recognized as the One who showers down redeeming love to us, His delight. It is only because of His grace that I have been able to make these changes and continue on with them more and more. I’m thrilled with what I see happening and I look forward to see what else will come.

This is me on my 30th birthday at around 350 pounds:

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I’ve come a long ways since then and life just keeps getting better and better.

Romans 12:1 (The Message Bible)
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.