Tonight I learned that a dear friend lost her baby boy. Her water broke this morning, but it was way too early for her to give birth and he went home to be with Jesus. It just breaks my heart.
We were all so happy for her being newlywed and expecting her first child. Just the anticipation of what was coming was excitement in itself. I remember our conversation earlier this week about how she was getting more excited now than when she first discovered she was pregnant. I think about those who were planning and preparing all of the baby showers and celebrations for this little one.
The whole thing leaves me struggling with the goodness of God, something I feel like I have been fighting for quite awhile now. I want to believe that He is good and faithful in the midst of this and other situations I’m walking through in my life. I want to know with confidence that my actions and response won’t change His goodness in my life when I find myself here time and time again. Yet inside there is this battle that I grow weary of and often feel defeated by because of stupid lies like “you don’t have enough faith” or “you’re such a fake for professing the importance of turning to God when it takes you so long yourself to come to Him.”
Sometimes I think “Am I the only one out there who feels like this?”
I know that God is good. The bible gives endless accounts of the faithfulness of God, His promises and truth, His power to change our lives for the better. He cannot be unfaithful to His promises. His love for me does not fail. It goes against His character.
I know that His love goes deep. I know that He accepts me in whatever state I happen to be in, even when I don’t accept myself in my messiness. Nothing separates me Him. Nothing I do would cause Him to stop loving me. EVER! One would think that if I truly believed that as deeply as I say I know it to be true, then I might not wrestle so much with these things.
But I find myself here again, fighting the negative thoughts of doubt and unbelief. And forgetting His kindness and grace that is always extended towards me. I’ve avoided spending time studying and learning about who He is and who He wants to be in my life, to bless me, to help me maneuver through things I face each day because I believed the lies and allowed them to take up space inside my head. That is the battle right there.
I find myself facing defeat again, a weary and worn soldier who just wants to take comfort in something tangible. However, unless it comes from God it won’t tend to the broken places in my heart.
Lord, I cry out and ask for You to bring comfort and hope to those places where my heart is hurting not just for myself, but for the people You have placed in my life as well. I have kept You at a distance and hardened my heart because of the pain, but I know that I can’t stay here. Forgive me. I repent and turn to You again, choosing to believe and trust that You are compassionate and loving, full of mercy and grace, and that You will embrace me forever and call me “dear one, beloved, in whom I take great delight.” Thank You for Your unfailing love and gentleness towards me. Such an incredible display of affection!
Psalm 27:13 (from the Amplified)
[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!
Psalm 103:1-5 (New American Standard Bible)
Bless the Lord, O my soul,And all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul,And forget none of His benefits; Who pardons all your iniquities,Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit,Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things,So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.